feeling melancholy today

Warning: This post is a bit melancholy, so if you don't like, don't read it :). I like to use this blog to get my thoughts and feelings that I have been bottled up out.

 Chorus:

I Am Yours, every part of me.

Jesus, You’re the reason I live.

Take my life, Lord. Use me You will.

Jesus, you’re the reason I live. 

Chris Gillott introduced me, and the other twenty-something youth group kids, to this poetic worship song several years ago and it had a long-lasting impact on my life. I recently discovered this song, by Planetshakers, all over again. Someone once told me that singleness is a season, so embrace it! Another someone told me that one is either single for a season, or single for a reason. Let's hope my case is the first. I have been single for a long time, my whole life, actually. I've lived with it. I've embraced it. I've even enjoyed it. I'm so grateful that I was able to go through high school drama-free and really enjoy my girlfriends. But, I think that the reason why I enjoyed it so was because throughout my continuous "season" of singleness, I never felt lonely. I always felt that all the single ladies surrounded me. We all had the same hopes, feelings, and dreams. We loved to get-together and make predictions about our future prince charming. We spent our sleepovers just sitting with our coffee, popcorn, and Divine Matchmaker books, dreaming about Mr. Right while making unrealistic comparisons with all the guys we knew at our church. We claimed that the only decent guys at Crosswalk, were... well, the guests. We were awful, I know. But, we knew that we would all one day all fall magically into love.

Well, things have changed. You know how it works, love happens unexpectantly. Needless to say, I'm still single while everyone else (here, at least) is not. Somehow I had ideals about having a Pride and Prejudice type of love story. In my head, I compared Brianna and I to Jane and Elizabeth. You know the story; Jane fell in love with Mr. Bingley, while Lizzy was falling in love with Mr. Darcy! It's perfect. It's also a fairytale. But why does it have to be so far from my reality? I know that I should rejoice with those who rejoice. I know that I should not be envious, or selfish, or sensitive. But, it's so much easier said than done. Those sleepovers just don't happen anymore. Those predictions and conversations are simply are nonexistent. The boys at church liked the girls at church and well, the girls at church started liking the boys back. All of a sudden I realized that I am the only one without a pair and it made me realize what loneliness really means.  Before now, I didn't have a clue. I have discovered that loneliness is sitting on your laptop when everyone else in the house is talking to his or her sweethearts for hours. Loneliness is when you have (or think you have) plans with someone and they cancel because they made plans with someone clearly more important. Loneliness is when you are in a conversation with someone and they are not paying attention because they are checking their newly received text message from their significant other. Loneliness is when you lose a best friend because she no longer considers you the best. Loneliness is when everyone disappears and you realize that you're the only one home. Loneliness is when the only thing you talk about is other people's happiness. Loneliness is when you decide not to go to certain functions because you know that everyone there has a pair. Loneliness is when the things that important to you are no longer important to others. Loneliness is when you notice when someone changes, and you stay the same. Loneliness is when people pity your and hang out with you because of obligation. Loneliness is when you lose touch with close friends because they have experienced the touch of a guy. Loneliness is bitterness. Loneliness is my state of being, I've been told for the time being. Loneliness is also what I've been feeling, for the time being. 

So, since I got that dramatic prelude off my chest, I can write about this redemptive song. It's reminded me that no matter how lonely I feel, He will never leave me nor forsake me. I am thankful that He has given me a reason to live. He has given me a hope for my future. And, I have to tell myself that He will give me peace that surpasses all understanding. The tears that I have sowed will be reaped in joy. Above all else, I am thankful that I am His. 

Verse 2: 

I'll never leave you and you'll never leave me

It's what I long for your presence here in my life

'Cause you're the air I breathe my reason why

I am yours every part of me

Okay, folks. I'm done. And I promise I won't make another post like this... at least for a little while. I just needed to well, vent! Thanks for letting me do that, bloggies!